|
If you have a joke you'd like to see posted... send it in
Even though I do respect Tim Tebow and what he stands for,
this was just too funny not to post...
MIAMI (AP) -- Shortly after leading the Florida Gators to a
national championship with a 24-14 win over Oklahoma, junior
quarterback Tim Tebow announced that he would skip his
senior season and ascend directly into heaven.
Tebow entered the press room to wild applause. A reporter
for a 24-hour cable sports network burst into tears when the
2007 Heisman winner entered the room. Another threw a pair
of boxer shorts on the podium. Tebow smiled at the gesture
and several sports reporters fainted.
"Sorry I'm late," Tebow began. "There was a six-year-old boy
with cancer in row 54 and I had to make my way through the
crowd to heal him."
"I want to start by saying that playing quarterback for the
University of Florida, winning two national championships,
has been a great honor. There has been some speculation
about my future and I want to clear that up right now," he
continued.
"Don't go, Tim!" a reporter shouted from the back of the
room.
"After much consideration, I have decided to skip my senior
season at the University of Florida and ascend directly into
Heaven," Tebow announced. Upon making the announcement,
Tebow was bathed in a blinding white light and vanished.
In response to the news, ESPN announced they will have a
month-long tribute to Tebow. ESPN2 will now be known as
ESPN-TEBOW and will feature Tebow highlights (including home
videos of Tebow's childhood), re-airings of past interviews,
Tebow-centric analysis by ESPN air personalities, a Tebow
quiz show and a reality show to find the "most Tebow-like"
person in America.
"He wasn't just the greatest player in college football
history," said a college football writer at the press
conference, tears streaming down his face. "He might have
been the greatest person to ever walk on earth."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
George finally decided to take a vacation. He booked
himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time
of his life until the boat sank.
He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no
other people, no supplies... nothing. Only bananas and
coconuts. After about four months, he was lying on the beach
one day when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows
up to him. In disbelief, he asked her, "Where did you come
from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says.
"I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat
wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of
raw material found on the island. I whittled the oars from
gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and
the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But ... but ... that's impossible," stutters George. "You
had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of
the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in
my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that
for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." George
is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes
of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As George
looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before
him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted
in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with
an expertly woven hemp rope, he can only stare ahead,
dumbstruck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not
much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like
to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any
more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a
still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they
sit down on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have
exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take
a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet
in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, George goes into the
bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone
handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge are
fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing 'nothing but vines'
strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know
you've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really
feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for
all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's
hearing!
"You mean...." he swallows excitedly, "We can watch The Ohio
State games from here?"
Jim Remington
Ohio State Basketball
1949-50-51
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 100 Headlines That May (or May Not) Happen in 2008
-
With third win of season, Charlie
Weis becomes the 3,027th fastest coach to reach 25
career victories.
-
Rich Rodriguez implements "Bring your
dog to practice" Friday's to prove he is committed to
family values.
-
Nintendo releases "Noel Devine's
Punchout" for the Wii.
-
ESPN blasts 18-year old for not being
a 30-year old; vows he'll never be "Now" or "Next" and
will never have his mascot's head placed on any of their
employees.
-
After 42nd player arrest, Nick Saban
says profiling in Tuscaloosa must stop.
-
Penn State players miss the
camaraderie of Trash Day; vow to "get the band back
together".
-
Happy Valley Police announce threat
level "Blue".
-
Pete Carroll releases rap
debut--"Best rap we've ever heard!" raves crush-stricken
media.
-
Rick Neuheisel angers Pete Carroll,
calling him "Poor Man's Vanilla Ice with less fashion
sense".
-
After Neuheisel potshot, Carroll
challenges Slick Rick to shirtless rap-off for charity.
The list was too long... To view the rest
of the top 100 stories, click
HERE.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New York, NY (CNN) - Republican presidential hopeful Rudy
Giuliani unveiled his latest campaign promise Sunday
afternoon. In a surprise move, it had nothing to do with
health care, taxes or the Middle East. After months of
speculation and rumors, former New York Mayor Giuliani
announced early yesterday afternoon to a crowd of Columbia
undergraduate students his latest, and perhaps most
innovative, presidential promise.
"We, as candidates, have focused much of our campaign
rhetoric on the war in Iraq, the ever growing threat from
nations like North Korea and Iran, rising gas prices, and
universal health care initiatives. We constantly talk about
our duty to ensure that all Americans in need can receive
the things they need most - food, clothing, shelter, and
health care. Today I come to you to talk about something the
other candidates, both Republican and Democrat alike, have
ignored for far too long. That, my friends, is the
humiliation and degradation that the University of Michigan
has suffered the last few years at the hands of The Ohio
State University in college football's greatest rivalry.
Under the current administration's watch, the rivalry has
been allowed to turn into a laughing stock. Dating back to
the last year of the Clinton administration, Michigan has
won just one of the seven games in this series. Such
domination sends the wrong message to the youth of this
nation. It tells the children of this country that it is
alright to grow up and take a back seat like France does. It
tells them 'hey, it's okay to be second-best and to be
mediocre.' My challenge to you as Americans is to say 'No!'
to this ongoing farce of a rivalry. If elected, my first
move will be to sign an Executive Order requiring the
Buckeyes of The Ohio State University to play their 2009
game against the University of Michigan ten-on-eleven. If
Michigan fails to win, Ohio State must use one fewer player
each year until Michigan finally wins back-to-back games
against the Buckeyes."
Other candidates quickly scrambled to issue press releases
in hopes of saving the always coveted Michigan electoral
votes.
"This move, while daring, is something I think all
candidates can agree upon," said Hilary Clinton's campaign
manager. "We had considered making a similar promise, but
without knowing how the NCAA and the fine people of Ohio
would feel we were hesitant to make such a bold statement.
Now that Mayor Giuliani has thrown his hat into the ring on
the issue, we feel it is necessary to follow suit with our
own plan. We are going to go one step further and require
Ohio State to play without helmets - then maybe the Ohio
State players will suffer some brain damage and the playing
field will truly be leveled."
Senator Barack Obama's camp quickly issued a statement
saying, "While we respect Mayor Giuliani's decision to make
such a promise, we have decided to refrain from making any
quick decisions in response. We have known for quite some
time that the Michigan-Ohio State rivalry would become a key
issue in the upcoming election, but we are going to wait to
see if Coach Lloyd Carr steps down or not. If he remains at
Michigan, we feel an appropriate course of action would
follow the general outline of Mayor Giuliani's plan. If he
leaves Michigan, we may make a request, but not order, Jim
Tressel to forego wearing the sweater vest in the games
going forward - he clearly derives his coaching prowess from
the vest."
Please continue to check CNN.com as we will be updating this
story as we find out more.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Open Letter to Tyrone Willingham
Dear "Sir", occasionally in this life, circumstances arise that awaken a
need to write a letter to somebody or some thing.
This is one of those times.
It is with the loosest of meanings that I address you as
"sir", as my feelings for you will be evident as you read
this letter. I would like to speak to you specifically about
the unmanageable devastation that you have brought to the
Notre Dame football program.
Mr. Willingham, why can't you just move on? Why must you
continue to cause this once proud football power further
embarrassment? After disappearing for two years, you have
come crawling out of your Washington woodwork and are now
entirely responsible for Notre Dame's deplorable start this
season. Does your petty sadism know no bounds? Why won't you
stop bringing this school down to your level? Mediocrity is
no longer acceptable at Notre Dame, so why won't you just go
away! (Click HERE for more)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center
of a Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he
challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of
him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents
and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that
family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt
beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to
live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live
with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also
beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and
learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life
among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of
allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with
the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary
custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines, whom the
boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Real Men of Genius”: Mr. Delusional Michigan Fan
Sing along if you like... this one is sure to be an instant
chart topper!
Bud Light presents Real Men of Genius (Reeeeaaal Men of
Genius)
Today we salute you, Mr. Delusional Michigan Fan (Mr.
Delusional Michigan Faaaaaan!)
Season after season, year after year, you try to justify
your absurdly high preseason ranking (clutching at straws!)
Season after season, year after year, you scramble to make
futile attempts at damage control when the Wolverines lose
to a grossly inferior opponent (How’d Appalachian State
score Thirty Fouuuuur?)
Inevitably, you’ll bring up the past, boast of National
Championships won 40 years before you were born (those were
the daaaaaays!)
You will point out that you have more wins than any other
program as though that is relevant to the current season
(been playing since the 1870’s)
Go on, ignore that loss to Ohio State in the regular season
finale and continue to believe that you’ll defeat your bowl
opponent with striking ease (we’ll win by thirteeeeeey!)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Emperor of Excuses,
and take comfort knowing that when you finish ranked number
twenty, you’ll be back to number five when the preseason
polls come out next year (Mr. Delusional Michigan Fan!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Twas the night before game time, and all round the shoe, not
a creature was sleeping,
they were screaming Beat Blue.
The banners were hung by the lamp posts with care, in hopes
that St. Troy would find Ginn through the air.
Drunken and crazy and burning their beds, while visions of
kick offs danced through their heads.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I sprang
from the keg to see what was the matter.
When there in the sky, in a Coupe DeVille sleigh, was Woody
Hayes decked out in scarlet and gray.
He looked on the crowd that was gathered around, and said he
heard that a game was in town.
I came here to watch it, and wish you good luck, though it's
not like you need it, because Michigan Still Sucks!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on the shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Michigan."
"Use hot water, a box of Tide and four cups bleach."
Brian Chamberlain
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot
bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then
asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make
conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics
and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental
interconnectedness, string theory, and nanotechnology.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really
cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the
bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. +
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and
asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot
starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR,
baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and such.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give
the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot
serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slow, "So... is... Michigan.....
gonna... have... a... good... team...this ... year???
Craig Rash
Archbold, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Capital One is hiring Maurice Clarett for a new series of
upcoming commercials.
He'll be outside of a stadium holding a gun yelling, "What's
in your wallet?"
Craig Rash
Archbold, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(AP) South Bend, Indiana Notre Dame Unveils New Mascot
The University of Notre Dame’s Board of Trustees announced
they are changing the school’s legendary mascot. In a
prepared statement, Mr. Biolchini, a newly appointed
University Trustee read from a prepared statement.
“The NCAA asked us to look into the (mascot) question and we
have. After careful study, we determined the term ‘Fighting
Irish’ is inflammatory to a specific ethnic group. It has
always been our belief that the Irish are a proud and noble
race. It was never our intention to make light or demean the
Irish people.
After consulting with students, faculty, members of the
community, and Pope Benedict XVI, we determined the Cicada
is more befitting our University. Just like our football
team, the Cicada goes dormant for years before emerging in
all its glory. When it does come out, it is loud and
obnoxious. The Cicada looks mean and ugly, but it is really
quite easy to kill.”
Mr. Biolchini did not take any questions from the stunned
pressroom. He could not be reached for comment.
Craig Rash
Archbold, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Michigan cheerleaders were reading their daily newspaper
when one of them noticed a headline that read:
"TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED"
She thought for a minute, and then whispered to her friend,
"Psssst... how many is a brazilian?"
Craig Rash
Archbold, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A family of Michigan fans head out one Saturday to do their
Christmas shopping. While in their local sports shop the son
picks up an Ohio State jersey and says to his older sister,
"I've decided to become a Buckeye fan and I would like this
for Christmas."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him
on the head and says, "Go talk to mother."
Off goes the little lad with the Ohio State jersey in hand
and finds his mother. "Mom?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Buckeye fan and I would like
this jersey for Christmas."
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him on the
head and says, "Go talk to your father!"
Off he goes with the Ohio State Jersey in hand and finds his
father. "Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an Ohio State fan and I would
like this jersey for Christmas."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son on the
head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in
THAT!"
About an hour later they're all back in the car and heading
towards home. The father turns to his son and says "Son, I
hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Buckeye fan for an hour
and I already hate you Michigan bastards."
Mark Gelios
Columbus, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Columbus, came
to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this
seems much worse than usual."
He notices a police officer walking between the lines of
stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks,
"Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replies, "Lloyd Carr is depressed, so he stopped
the team bus and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline
and set himself on fire. He is tired of losing to Ohio State
every year and says that the university has cut back on his
recruiting budget, making it more difficult for him to sign
quality players. We're taking up a collection for him."
The stockbroker asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About 75 gallons, but a lot of folks
are still siphoning."
Matt Wyse
Indianapolis, IN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Michigan fan and an Ohio State fan were driving down the
same road towards each other.
Right when they were about to pass each other they got into
a horrific car accident. Luckily both men came out
unscratched.
The Ohio State fan looked at the other man and saw that he
was wearing all Michigan clothes, and the Michigan fan also
noticed that the other guy was wearing all Ohio State
clothes.
The Ohio State fan went up to the Michigan fan and said,
"Look, let's put our differences aside for one night and
just thank God that we are still alive!"
The Michigan fan says, "Sure, I can do that... but for ONLY
one night."
So putting their differences aside they gave each other a
huge hug.
The Ohio State fan said, "Wait a second, I have a bottle of
liquor in my trunk. Hopefully it didn't bust." He looked in
his trunk and to his surprise the bottle hadn't broken. He
grabbed the bottle and passed it to the Michigan fan and
said, "Here, have a drink with me and celebrate still being
alive!"
So the Michigan fan chugged half the bottle. He then tried
passing it back to the Ohio State fan but he replied, "No
thanks, I'll wait for the cops to show up!"
PFC Chase Varish
Camp Garry Owen 4th Squadron 7th Cavalry - Toung de' choun,
South Korea
...by way of Wellsville, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan
cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here
lies a Michigan graduate and a good man."
The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury
two people in there?"
Shawn Meckfessel
Oak Harbor, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A graduate from Ohio State, a graduate from Michigan and a
pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the
birth of his first child. Suddenly, the lights went out.
Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the
head nurse made her way to the waiting room.
"I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she
announced. Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys
and one healthy piglet have been delivered. However, since
the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't
sure which first-born belongs to whom. The only way we know
to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner
choose first."
The three proud papas agreed and the Ohio grad won the
drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked
at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time.
Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and
headed for the door
"Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right
choice," the nurse asked "No, I'm not," replied the Buckeye
grad. "But I just couldn't run the risk of ending up with
the Michigan kid."
Jay Burkholder
Archbold, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two University of Michigan students are walking by a
storefront and see a sign that reads:
Suits $5.00 each
Shirts $2.00 each
Trousers $2.50 per pair
One says to the other, "Look! We could buy a whole lot of
those, and when we get back to the University, we could make
a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay.
Just let me do the talking."
They go into the store and the UM fan says, "I'll take 50
suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs
of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my truck up and
....."
The owner of the shop interrupts him, "You're from the
University of Michigan, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says the surprised UM fan. "How did you know
that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
Shawn Meckfessel
Oak Harbor, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hang on to any of the new State of Michigan quarters. If you
have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The
U.S. Treasury Announced today that it is recalling all of
the Michigan quarters that are part of its program featuring
quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Michigan quarters that were
recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford
said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous
reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters,
toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or other
coin-operated devices."
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various
states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success
among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the
unique design of the Michigan quarter, which was created by
a University of Michigan graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the
nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Shawn Meckfessel
Oak Harbor, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Ohio State student, an Iowa student, and a Michigan
student were driving through the desert when they suddenly
ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the
nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get
some help.
A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when
he saw the Ohio State student top the horizon and walk
toward him. The rancher noticed that the he was carrying a
glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the
rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a
glass of water through the desert?"
The Ohio State student explained his predicament and
explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get
thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.
A little while later the rancher noticed the Iowa student
walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What
are you doing?" asked the rancher again.
As before, the Iowa student explained the situation and said
that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and
that's why he had the bread.
Finally the Michigan student appeared, dragging a car door
through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked,
"Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"
"Well," he said, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too
hot, I'll roll down the window."
Shawn Meckfessel
Oak Harbor, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first
day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake
and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will
be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm an M graduate," the young man replied indignantly,
"I even played football there!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom. I'll show you how."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Columbus who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in
a suburb of Worthington and one of my sisters, who lives in
Dublin, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother
have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two
sisters, who are prostitutes in Grove City. I have two
brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence in Lucasville for the murder of a teenage boy in
1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial
on charges of sexual misconduct. I have recently become
engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in
Atlanta and is still a part time "working girl" in a
brothel. All things considered, my main problem is this. I
love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the
family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Michigan fan?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lloyd Carr, clearly upset about the Michigan Wolverine's
loss to the Oregon Ducks, decides to find out from Jim
Tressel what his winning secret is. Carr travels to an OSU
practice and asks Tressel, "Coach, how is it that your team
is so good? What's your secret?"
Tressel, trying to be helpful, responds by calling Craig
Krenzel over and asks him, "Craig, who's your fathers
brother's nephew? Krenzel answers, "Why coach, that's easy?
it's me." Tressel turns to Carr and says, "See, that's the
secret, Lloyd. A smart quarterback? You've got to have a
smart quarterback!"
Thinking he's finally got all the tools he needs, Carr
returns to Michigan and the Wolverine workout. He promptly
calls over John Navarre. "Hey, Navarre! Who's your father's
brother's nephew?"
John looks perplexed, thinks a bit and says, "Coach, I'll
have to get back to you after practice on that, okay? Carr,
disgusted, says okay.
During practice, Navarre calls over Chris Perry. "Hey,
Chris, Coach just asked me the weirdest question? "Who's
your father's brother's nephew?" Perry answers, "Duh? That's
pretty simple? It's me!"
After practice, Navarre catches up with Carr and says, "Hey,
Coach, I have the answer to your question! My father's
brother's nephew is Chris Perry!"
Carr (very angry with Navarre) says, "No, No, No! You idiot!
It's Craig Krenzel!"
Rick Moore
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back From the Mission Field
A letter from missionaries to loved ones back home in Ohio
Well, our 4 year stay in the mission field we've come to
affectionately call "Indiana" is finally over. It was a very
tough and trying four years. The very people that are
fanatical Notre Dame fans during football season, somehow
become die hard, in-your-face Indiana fans for basketball...
it is very strange.
My Ohio State flag was even stolen from my front porch the
week of "The Game!"... which in Indiana is played for some
rusty bucket. Talk about persecution! Through it all, we had
each other and God.
It was a very frustrating and lonely mission trip. We aren't
really sure if we converted anyone. Prayer and frequent
trips to the motherland got us through this very trying
time. Thankfully, we are now back in God's country. It was
amazing... almost instantaneously, we could sense that the
air was fresher and the sun seemed to shine even brighter.
For those of you who have never lived outside of Ohio, you
don't know what you have until it's gone! Appreciate this
wonderful land we live in and continue to pray for our
neighbors to the west.
As far as our neighbors to the north, well, that may be a
lost cause!
It's great to be home in Ohio Again!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An airplane was about to crash; there were four passengers
on board, but only three parachutes for them to use.
The first passenger said, "Well, I'm Jo Paterno. I have more
wins than any other coach in the Big 10 Conference. My team
needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first
parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Lloyd Carr, said "I too can not afford
to die. Too many loyal Wolverine fans depend on me to bring
glory to the university. I am the most ambitious and clever
coach in the country." With that, he grabbed the second
parachute and hurriedly jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, Jim Tressel, says to the fourth
passenger, a ten year-old school boy "Son, I have lived a
full life and enjoyed many successes. You have your entire
life in front of you. As a Christian man, I am willing to
sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The boy said, "It's OK Mr. Tressel, there's still a
parachute left for you. America's cleverest coach took my
school backpack."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to
visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along
the beach when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing a Michigan jersey, was struggling
frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot
shark. As the pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came
racing up with three men wearing Ohio State jerseys. One
quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two
reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Wolverine
fan from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat
the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told
them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between Ohio
State & Michigan but now I have seen with my own eyes that
this is not true".
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who
was that"?
"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact
with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's
wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing.
Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another
one"?
Footnote: No sharks or Michigan fans were actually harmed in
the telling of this joke.
Ted Lange
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Ohio State student and a Michigan student are walking
down the road when the Ohio State student says, "How sad...A
dead bird."
The Michigan student looks up and says, "Where, where?"
Ron Newman
Cincinnati, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Michigan football player was nearly killed in a horrible
horseback riding accident. He was thrown off the horse and
almost got trampled. Thank God the K-Mart manager came out
and unplugged it.
Ron Newman
Cincinnati, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher in a Michigan elementary school asks her class
what they see themselves as. She says "I'm a WOLVERINE!!!
Who else is a wolverine?"
Wanting to be like their teacher, all of the children raise
their hands, except one. The teacher asks her why she feels
the need to be different.
"I'm not a Wolverine, I'm a Buckeye," the girl says, to
which the teacher responds "Why?"
The girl says, "Because my mother was a Buckeye, and my
father was a Buckeye!"
The teacher asks, "Well what if your mother was a Wolverine
and your father was a Wolverine? Would you be a wolverine
then?"
The girl says, "No, then I'd be a moron who can't graduate
and flips burgers."
Rory Carman
Columbus, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the mid-seventies, the Buckeyes and Wolverines were both
undefeated and playing for the Big Ten Championship, the
Rose Bowl and a possible National Championship.
The Buckeyes are up by 4 points with 3 seconds left.
Michigan has a 4th and goal at the Buckeye 1 yard line. Bo
Schembechler looks up to the skies and says "God, what
should I call now?".
To his surprise, in a clear distinct voice, he hears "Off
Tackle". So, Bo calls the "Off Tackle", and all eleven
Buckeyes meet him in the backfield, and bury him and the
Buckeyes win.
Bo, again, looks up to the sky and says "God, why did you
tell me to run "Off Tackle.
Again, in a clear voice he hears, "I don't know, why did we
Woody?"
Larry Koepfer
Scottsdale, Arizona
(via Swanton, Ohio)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars. He
had three sons. He told his sons that since he now had all
this money, he would like to know what each of them would
like to have. He stressed that money was no object.
His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar. His
father went out, and since money was no object, bought him 7
Jaguars in different colors, so that he would have a
different one to drive every day of the week.
His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle. So
his father went out, and again since money was no object,
bought him 30 new motorcycles: 10 dirt bikes, 10 Harley
Davidsons, and 10 sport bikes, so he would have a different
bike to ride every day of the month.
His third and youngest son was only 8 years old, and the
little guy said that he simply had wanted just a Mickey
Mouse outfit. So, money being no object, his father went out
and bought his son the University of Michigan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Help Wanted:
Live, work and study in lovely Ann Arbor, Mich. Earn free
tuition, room and board and complete and utter seclusion
from the media.
Only job requirement: must be able to kick a ball through
two uprights. No references necessary.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Ohio State fan walks into a pawn shop. He states that he
is looking for an item for his game room, when he spots a
stuffed squirrel on the wall. "How much for that stuffed
squirrel Mr.?"
"It's not for sale. It is bad luck, and its too long a story
to tell you about" states the man behind the counter.
I'll give you $100 for the squirrel.
"Ok, but I warned you.
So the Buckeye fan throws the squirrel in his pick up and
drives down the road.
As he drives he notices there are 100 squirrels following
him.
A mile up the road he notices there are 1000 squirrels
following him
Again, another mile up the road he sees 1,000,000 squirrels
following him. This is just way to bizarre for the man, so
he stops at the next bridge, gets out and throws the stuffed
squirrel into the river. All 1,000,000 squirrels jump into
the river after it and all drown.
The Ohio State fan goes back to the pawn shop .The man
behind the counter says "I told you that squirrel is bad
luck, you come to get your money back?"
"No, replies the Buckeye. How much you want for that Lloyd
Carr Doll"
Nelson Baker
Bryan,Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to
the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to
which the woman answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the
Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe.
We will have much to discuss."
Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is
your IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's
great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and
current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?"
to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Wolverines?"
Joe Mascio
Ohio State Football 1944
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd
get to know the kids by asking them their name and what
their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is
a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a
mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Johnny and my father
is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject. Later in
the school yard the teacher approaches Johnny privately and
asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay
bar.
He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad coaches football
for Michigan and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
Shawn Meckfessel
Oak HArbor, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Ohio State fan, a Michigan fan and a Penn State fan were
all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All
of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The
mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi
Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught
consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good
lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their
sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it
was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished,
and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be
released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh
suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she
has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your
whipping."
The Penn State fan was first in line (he had drunk the
least), so he thought about this for a while and then said,
"Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the
pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Penn State fan had to be carried away bleeding and
crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Michigan fan was next up (he almost finished an entire
fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All
Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two
pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went
through again, sending the Michigan fan out crying like a
little girl.
The Ohio State fan was the last one up (he had finished off
the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh
turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in
the world, your alumni has some of the best and most loyal
football fans in the world. For this,
you may have two wishes!"
"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Buckeye fan replies.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you
give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man,
you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring
look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so
be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik
asks.
"Tie the Michigan fan to my back."
Mark Gelios
Columbus, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob and Jimmy were really good friends. One day Bob calls
Jimmy. The conversation goes something like this.
Bob: Hey Jimmy, I think I met the girl I'm gonna marry.
Jimmy: That's great man.
Bob: There is one thing I'm worried about though....
Jimmy: What's that?
Bob: Well I told her about my dad.
Jimmy: You mean that he is in jail for murder?
Bob: Yeah, that didn't bother her so I told her about my
mom.
Jimmy: You mean that she's been caught stealing so many
times?
Bob: Yeah, that didn't bother her either so I told her about
my brother.
Jimmy: You mean that he's wanted in four states for car
theft?
Bob: Yeah that didn't bother her either.
Jimmy: So what's the problem man. She seems great.
Bob: Well, I haven't told her about my sister.
Jimmy: Dude, I didn't even know you had a sister.
Bob: Yeah, we don't talk about her. She's a real
embarrassment to the family. She went to Michigan.
Jeremy Cramer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Duck Hunters in Michigan - True Story. While this isn't
really a joke (and who really cares if it's actually true or
not), it's a great slam on Michigan intelligence.
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has
$560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in
winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two
guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of
course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and
get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area
for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In
order to make a hole large enough to look like something a
wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to
take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of
the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with
a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do
take into consideration that they want to place the stick of
dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are
standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to
take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the
burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting
blast.
They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the
vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A
highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially
things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes
off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures
the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about
the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave
their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on,
keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots
the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 buckshot, hardly big
enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused, but dog, still standing, becomes really
confused and of course terrified, thinking these two
geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover,
under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and
Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the
lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing
there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on
their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake
by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had
yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!! And
you thought your day was not going well?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Relationships...
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a
bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the
girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I
was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything
about it.
The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should
go off somewhere more intimate so we could have some more
privacy. We went to a quiet little restaurant and he was
STILL acting a bit funny.
I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was
me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I
wasn't really sure. In the car on the way back home, I said
that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I
didn't know what that meant because he didn't say it back or
anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going
to leave me! I tried to get him to talk but he just switched
on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my
surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really
distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but
I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think
he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
The Buckeyes lost. Got lucky though.
Shawn Meckfessel
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ann Arbor News Report:
Football practice in Ann Arbor was delayed on Monday for
nearly two hours. One of the offensive players, while on his
way to the locker room, happened to look down and notice a
suspicious looking, unknown, white powdery substance on the
practice field.
The head coach, Lloyd Carr, immediately suspended practice
while the FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete
field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance
unknown to the players was the goal line.
Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team
would not be likely to encounter the substance again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Move
Aug.
12...........................................................................................
Moved to our new home in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It is so
beautiful here. The country is so majestic. Can hardly wait
to see the snow covering the fields.
Oct.
14...........................................................................................
Ann Arbor is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves
are turning all the colors and shades of red and orange.
Went for a ride through the beautiful country and saw some
deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most
wonderful animals on the earth. This must be paradise. I
love it here.
Nov.
11...........................................................................................
Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting
to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon! I
love it here!
Dec.
2...........................................................................................
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed
with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and
cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We
had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snowplow came by,
we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place.
I love Michigan!
Dec.
12...........................................................................................
More snow last night! The snowplow did this trick again to
the driveway. I love it here!!
Dec.
19...........................................................................................
More snow last night! Couldn’t get out of the driveway to
get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling snow. Stupid
snowplow!!
Dec.
22...........................................................................................
More of that white crap fell last night. I’ve got blisters
on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides
around the curve and waits until I’m done shoveling my
driveway. Bastard!!
Dec.
25...........................................................................................
Merry Friggin Christmas. More damn snow! If I ever get my
hands on the son of a bitch who drives the snowplow I swear
I will kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more
salt on the roads to melt the damn ice.
Dec.
27...........................................................................................
More white shit last night. Been inside for three days
except for shoveling out the driveway after the snowplow
goes through. Can’t go anywhere. Cars stuck in a mountain of
white crap! The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches
of this crap again tonight. Do you know how many shovels
full of snow 10 inches is????
Dec.
28...........................................................................................
The stupid weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that
white crap this time. At this rate it won’t melt before
summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard
came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told
I had broken 6 shovels already shoveling all the shit he
pushed back into my driveway. I broke the last one over his
head.
Jan.
4...........................................................................................
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store and
got food and on the way back a deer ran in front of the car
and hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those damn
beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them
all last November.
May
3...........................................................................................
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the
thing is rusting out from all the damn salt they put all
over the roads?
May
10...........................................................................................
Moved to Florida!! I can’t imagine why anyone in their right
mind would ever live in the God-forsaken state of Michigan!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newsflash - The University of Michigan library burned to the
ground.
All three books were destroyed.
The football team is very upset because they had not yet
colored in two of them.
Doug Kaiser
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two brothers, one a Michigan graduate and one an Ohio State
graduate, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after
just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to
keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The Ohio State graduate balances their checkbook, then takes
their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a
man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, he tells his
brother, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The Ohio State grad arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the
bull, and decides he does want to buy it. The man tells him
that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, he
drives to the nearest town to send his brother a telegram to
tell him the news.
He walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to
send a telegram to my brother telling him that I've bought a
bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our
pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help
him, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the Ohio State grad only
has $1 left. He realizes that he'll only be able to send his
brother one word. After thinking for a few minutes, he nods,
and says, "I want you to send him the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is he ever
going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your
pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to
your ranch if you send him the word, 'comfortable'?"
The Ohio State grad explains, "My brother graduated from
Michigan."
"He'll read it very slow."
Shawn Meckfessel
Oak Harbor, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Michigan football player reported for his university final
examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions.
He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the
question paper for five minutes and then in a fit of
inspiration reaches into his pocket and removes a coin. He
starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes"
for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour he is all
done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing
the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,
approaches him and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my
answers.
Shawn Meckfessel
Oak Harbor, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a
Michigan Wolverine fan. She asks her students to raise their
hands if they were Wolverine fans also.
Not really knowing what a Wolverine fan was but wanting to
be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air.
There is, however, one exception. Joe has not gone along
with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to
be different.
"Because I am not a Wolverine fan"
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?
"Why I'm a proud Buckeye fan," boasts Joe.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly
red. She asks Joe why he is a Buckeye fan
"Well, my mom and dad are Buckeye fans, so I'm a Buckeye fan
also."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says
loudly.
"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron.
What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Joe, "I'd be a Wolverine
fan."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Ohio State fan used to amuse himself by scaring every
Michigan fan he would see strutting down the side of the
road in their obnoxious maize and blue colors. He would
swerve his van as if to hit them, and then he would swerve
back on the road just before hitting them.
One day, as the van driver was driving along, he saw a
priest. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the
van over. He asked the priest "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to give Mass at St. Joseph's Church, about five
miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem,
Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"
The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the van
continued down the road. Suddenly, the driver saw a
Wolverine fan strutting down the road, and instinctively, he
swerved as if to hit him. But as usual, just in time, he
swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the guy. Even
though he was certain he missed the guy, he still heard a
loud "THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in
his mirrors, but he didn't see anything. He then remembered
the priest, and he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry,
Father. I almost hit that Michigan fan."
"That's OK" replied the priest. "I got him with the door."
Lisa Fether
Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, the schedules for the upcoming football year are out
and it looks like Florida State will once again be the
favorite to win the national championship. You can't help
but envy those Seminoles... they way they roll over their
competition every year. It's just too bad that a Big 10 team
couldn't come up with their luck in scheduling year in and
year out. Take a look at the fierce competition that the
Seminoles have to prepare for.
Florida State Seminoles Upcoming Schedule
SEPTEMBER
2 Wilson Jr. High School
9 Cub Scout Troop 101
16 Florida Blind Academy
OCTOBER
7 Spanish American War Vets
14 Crippled Children’s Home
21 Parkland Hospital
28 Girl Scout Troop #353
NOVEMBER
4 Florida VD Clinic Post #3
11 Florida Boys Choir
18 St. Raphael’s Christian Women’s Assoc.
25 Florida Gators
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing
for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him,
resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have
you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've
made."
Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm
going to call it earth, and it is going to be a great place
of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth.
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be
poor. The Middle East over there is going to be a hot spot."
God continued, pointing to different lands, "This one will
be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold
and covered in ice.
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
unique landmass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God, "That's Ohio, the most glorious place on
earth. It will have beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and
fertile farmland. The people from Ohio are going to be
modest, intelligent, and humorous. They'll be extremely
sociable, hardworking and high achieving. I'm also going to
give them an incredible football team that will be admired
and feared by all who come across it."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
proclaimed, "What about the balance, God. You said that
there will be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth,
arrogant bastards I'm putting north of them."
Shawn Meckfessel
Oak Harbor,OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're stranded on a deserted island with three people: a
cannibal, a mass murderer, and a guy in a Michigan hat. You
have gun with only two bullets remaining.
Who do you shoot?
The Michigan fan... twice.
Kevin Cornwell
Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three football fans were on their way to a game when one
noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the
road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk.
Out of respect and propriety, the Ohio State fan took off
his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Penn State
fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, the Michigan fan took off his cap and
placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he
conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Ohio State
cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted
the Penn State cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more
notes. The officer then lifted the Michigan cap, replaced
it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third
time, and replaced it one last time.
The Michigan fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What
are you, a pervert or something?" "Why do you keep lifting
and looking, lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised; normally
when I look under a Michigan hat, I find an asshole!"
Lisa Fether
Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a road-side restroom three men were standing side-by-side
using the urinals.
The 1st man finished, zipped up and started washing. He
literally scrubbed his hands clear up to his elbows and used
about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the
other two men and commented, "I graduated from the
University of Michigan, and we were taught to be clean."
The 2nd man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of
his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I
graduated from Penn State and they taught us to be
environmentally conscious."
The 3rd man zipped up and as he was walking out the door
said, "I graduated from Ohio State University... and they
taught us not to pee on our hands."
Shawn Beaverson
Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each
was from a different Big Ten school and each proclaimed to
be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater.
As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them
was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the
way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top,
the Boilermaker hurled himself off the mountain, shouting
"This is for Purdue!" as he fell to his doom.
Not wanting to be out done, the Wildcat threw himself off
the mountain proclaiming "This is for Northwestern!"
Seeing this the Buckeye walked over and shouted "This is for
everyone!!" and pushed the Wolverine off the side of the
mountain.
Shawn Meckfessel
Oak Harbor, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna
hear a Michigan joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well before you tell that
joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs., and
I am a Michigan alumni.
The guy sitting next to me is 6 ' 2" tall, weighs 225, and
he's a Michigan alumni.
The fella next to him is 6 ' 5" tall, weighs 250, and he's a
Michigan alumni.
Now, you still wanna tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "NAH, not if I'm gonna have to explain
it THREE times."
Brent Reed
Marion, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michigan basketball fans believe a fast break is what the
players do after leaving the local 7-11 without paying.
Michigan takes pride that nearly 67 percent of its former
players have been granted parole before the end of their
sentences.
Gary Moeller was in front of a judge. The judge says,
"You've been brought here for drinking.” Moeller says,
"Okay, let's get started.”
A die-hard Michigan fan and a die-hard Ohio State fan are
waiting to be executed. The executioner asks the wolverine
fan for his last request. “Hmmm”, he says, then requests to
hear the wolverine fight song one last time. "OK," says the
executioner and turns to the Buckeye fan and asks the same
question, "What is your last request?" Without hesitation
the Buckeye fan says, "Shoot me first."
Shawn Meckfessel
Oak Harbor, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One morning this Michigan graduate calls her friend (who
didn't happen to go to Michigan) and says, "Please come over
and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The Michigan grad says "From the picture on the box, it's a
tiger."
The Michigan grad's friend figures that he's pretty good at
puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the
door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all
over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then
studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do,
I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these
to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise
you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these
Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Mark Gelios
Archbold, Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Michigan Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his
doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the grad
complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the
desired results.
"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "shoving
them up my ass?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two boys are playing football in a park in Columbus when one
is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the
other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down
the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to
interview the boy. "Young Buckeyes' Fan Saves Friend From
Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I not a Buckeyes' fan" the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Columbus I just assumed you were.
What team do you root for?" asked the reporter.
"I'm a Michigan Wolverines' fan," the child replied.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and
writes,"LITTLE REDNECK BASTARD KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET"
Travis Danford
Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Wolverines boarded a shuttle flight out of Detroit for
Chicago. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle
seat, beside him.
Just before takeoff, a Buckeye got on and took the aisle
seat next to the Wolverines. He kicked off his shoes,
wiggled his toes and was settling in,when the Wolverine in
the window seat, said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Buckeye, "I'll get it for you." While
he was gone, the Wolverine picked up the Buckeye's shoe and
spit in it.
When the Buckeye returned with the coke, the other Wolverine
said, "That looks good; I think I'll have one too." Again,
the Buckeye obligingly went to fetch it and while he was
gone, the Wolverine picked up the other shoe and spit in it.
The Buckeye returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the
short flight to Chicago. As the plane was landing, the
Buckeye slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately
what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Buckeye asked. "This enmity
between our peoples? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
Jim West
Washington C.H., Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy named Bob received a free ticket to the OSU/Michigan
game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at the
stadium, he realized the seat was in the last row in the
corner of the stadium way back in the South Stands-- he was
closer to the Goodyear blimp than to the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, he noticed an empty
seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He
decided to take a chance and made his way down to the empty
seat. As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to
him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man said "No."
Now, very excited to have such a great seat for the game,
Bob said, "That's incredible! Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this at the OSU / Michigan game and not use
it?" The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to
me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed
away. This is the first Ohio State game we haven't been to
together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad, " said Bob. "But you couldn't find
a friend or relative to come with you?"
The man replied, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Rob McWade
Ohio
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Ohio tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in
San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on
display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture
of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he
picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and
a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll
take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with
the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in
front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain
and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his
shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes
another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By
the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are
at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks
even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of
rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and
abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and
as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he
panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing
hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by
the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of
rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty
leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one
arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay
with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs
up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement
as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into
the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique
shop, where the owner says to him "Ah, so you've come back
for the rest of the story!"
"No," replies the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a
bronze Wolverine."
Lou O'Quin
Gilbert, AZ
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many Big 10 students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well ...
At Ohio State it takes only two. One to change it, and one
to throw the old bulb at Michigan students.
At Michigan it takes five. One to change the bulb, two to
talk about how Bo would have done it, and two more to
explain how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy
Leaguer.
At Northwestern it takes three. One to change the bulb, and
two to phone a friend at Ohio State to get instructions.
At Michigan State it takes four. One to screw in the bulb,
and three to figure out how to get high off the old one.
At Wisconsin it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the
drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear
for the occasion.
At Illinois it takes seven, and each one gets four semester
credit hours for it.
At Indiana it takes eight. One to screw it in, and seven to
discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball
season.
At Minnesota it takes ten. Two to figure out how to screw it
in, and eight to find an ugly enough lampshade to match
their school colors.
At Penn Sate it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk
about how they do it better than Penn, and 50 who realize
it's all a lie.
At Purdue, it takes 12. One to change the bulb, five to take
pictures, four fraternity pledges to get naked and run
through the fountain screaming "They changed the Bulb!", and
two engineers to run a study on the whole thing.
At Iowa it takes none. There's no electricity in Iowa.
Christy Hale
Pettisville, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man from Nebraska, a man from Michigan and a man from Ohio
State are all walking along a beach together when the man
from Nebraska spots an old lantern barely visible in the
sand. He pulls it out and begins to polish it with his hand
when a genie pops out and hovers above them.
"You have called me and now I must grant each of you one
wish," the genie said. "Tell me what you desire and I will
make it come true."
The guy from Nebraska wasted no time. "I'm a farmer," he
began, "like my father, my grandfather, and his father
before him. My wish is for the land to always be fertile in
Nebraska."
The genie crossed his arms, nodded his head and a puff of
smoke came from the lantern. "It is done," the genie said."I
have made the land forever fertile for farming in Nebraska."
The Michigan man was impressed by what he saw. "Wow!" he
said. "That's great! You know what I have always wanted? I
would like a huge wall to be built all the way around the
state of Michigan so nobody can any longer get in or out of
our beautiful state."
The genie folded his arms, nodded, and once again a puff of
smoke came from the lantern. "It is done," he announced. "A
giant concrete wall, 150 feet high and 50 feet thick has
been placed around the state of Michigan."
Hearing this, the man from Ohio State just smiled and said
quietly, "Perfect....now fill it with water."
Heather Craig
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim Tressel stopped by Lloyd Carr's office in Ann Arbor one
day for some friendly football conversation. As the two were
talking, he noticed a blue telephone locked in a glass case
behind Carr's desk. Tressel asked "Lloyd, what's that blue
phone you got there?" "That's my hotline to God." Carr
responded with big Michigan grin. "Mind if I give Him a
call?" Tressel asked as if impressed. Carr said "Go ahead,
but don't use it long. The long distance charges are
outrageous from here to Heaven." Tressel proceeded to call
God, afterward thanked Carr for the use of the phone, and
then returned to Columbus.
Tressel is in his office one day and Carr drops in to talk
some pigskin. As Carr walks in the door, he notices a red
phone sitting on a silver platter right out in the open.
Carr asks "Jim, what's that red phone on the platter?"
"That's my line to God." Jim responds with a smile. Carr,
looking a little disappointed asks "You mind?" Tressel says
"No. Talk all you want. Everybody talks to God around here."
"How can you afford that?" asks Carr looking perplexed.
Tressel says with a chuckle "Ohio is God's country! It's not
long distance from here!"
Gary Meyer
Aberdeen, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three Ohio State fans and three Michigan fans are travelling
by train to a game. At the station, the three Michigan fans
each buy tickets and watch as the three Ohio State fans buy
only a single ticket. "How are three people to travel on
only one ticket?" asks one of the Michigan fans. "Watch and
you'll see," answers a Buckeye.
They all board the train. The Michigan fans take their
respective seats but all three Ohio State fans cram into a
restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the
train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and
moves on. The Michigan fans saw this and agreed it was quite
a clever idea. So after the conference, the Michigan fans
decide to copy the Buckeyes on the return trip and save some
money (being clever and all that).
When the Michigan fans get to the station, they buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Ohio
State fans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to
travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Michigan fan.
"Watch and you'll see." When they board the train, the three
Michigan fans cram into a restroom and the three Buckeyes
cram in another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly
afterward, one of the Buckeyes leaves his restroom and walks
over to the restroom where the Michigan fans are hiding. He
knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Brent Toavs
Longview, TX
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy dies and goes to heaven. There he is met by St. Pete.
St. Pete welcomes him to heaven and shows him around. The
guy is amazed at what is in heaven.
The last place St. Pete takes the guy is to this football
game. It is in a horseshoe shaped stadium. As they are
watching the game the man notices a tubby man with a white
shirt, black tie, and black hat running up and down the
sideline ranting and raving.
The man looks at St. Pete and asks, "Who is that madman?"
St. Pete answers, "Oh, that's God. But he thinks he's Woody
Hayes."
Josh Harvey
Columbus, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU CAN TELL HE A UM GRAD BECAUSE...
- he told me to meet him at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T
WALK"
- he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
- he sent me a fax with a stamp on it
- he thought a quarterback was a refund
- he got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
- they had to burn the school down to get him out of third
grade
- under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked
On Phonics"
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign
here".. he put "Sagittarius"
- it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
- he studied for a blood test - and failed
- he sold the car for gas money
- when he heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the
home, he moved.
- he thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill
- when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said
"Airport Left" he turned around and went home.
Andy Nichols
Fort Jennings, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After Bo Schembechler dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God
takes him on a tour. He shows Bo a little two-bedroom house
with a faded Michigan Wolverines banner hanging from the
front porch. "This is your house, coach. Most people don't
get their own houses up here," God says.
Bo looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the
one sitting on top of the hill. It is a huge three-story
brick mansion with white marble columns and little patios
under all of the windows. OSU Buckeyes flags line both sides
of the sidewalk and a huge "Go Bucks" banner hangs between
the marble columns while the OSU fight
song blares from hidden speakers.
"Thank you for the house, God. But let me ask you a
question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded
banner, and Woody Hayes gets a mansion with new Ohio State
Buckeyes banners and flags flying all over the place." "Why
is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment.
"That's not Woody's house," God says. "That's mine."
Annie Asik
Cleveland, OH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Columbus area mortician had a new apprentice who was
learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming
room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he
knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he
began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his
amazement there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled
it out, and immediately heard, the Michigan fight song come
out the guys butt. Startled by what had happened, he shoved
the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find
his mentor.
"Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen
something I can't believe."
Annoyed by the naivete of his assistant, he said OK and
followed him downstairs. "There, look at the cork in the ass
of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so
I pulled it out. Please you do it."
The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so
he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the
Michigan fight song started playing. Exasperated, he
replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his
assistant and said:
"What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of
assholes sing that song."
GO BUCKEYES!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A former UM football player was having a hard time
graduating from college after his glory years as a star
defensive end.
After 8 years as an undergrad, the alumni and faculty were
becoming embarrassed. "How can we get him out of here?",
they asked.
Finally, one professor came up with an idea. "Let's put him
in front of the student body and let them ask him one
question. If he gets it right, we'll give him a diploma."
So they put the UM student in front of the entire student
body. The student body opted to ask him the question: "What
is one plus one?"
He received his question and he thought...and thought...and
finally, after 10-suspense filled seconds, he shouted
"Two!!". "AWWWWWW", cried the student body. "Give him
another chance!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michigan Entrance Exam - Football Player Version
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and
social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre
Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last
one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what
country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
-OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples
do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began
when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting
|